Abercrombie athletics and you

During these complicated weeks in which North Carolina struggles to break up with winter, and summer is previewed on every third day, only one thing is certain: this can only be Abercrombie season. It's that time of the year where you'll wear your new skirt and blouse combo on a blistery morning because "It was hot yesterday!?" You will shiver proudly because nothing feels better than liberating yourself of all those winter layers so you can sport the new Abercrombie outfit before someone else.

Some confusing staples of the Abercrombie season are the T-shirts featuring Abercrombie athletic teams with generic mascots like "The Tigers." I see these shirts and I wonder if team Abercrombie is any good. What sports do they play? Do they play other clothing stores, and if so, how does Abercrombie's team match up with, say, team Old Navy?

Perhaps you're looking down at your shirt right now and also thinking, "Who are the Abercrombie Eagles?" I don't know about you, but in this important fashion season, I don't want to be advertising a team that may just be the worst in the league. Therefore, I have decided to go scout each clothing store's athletic team so we don't all end up making a fool of ourselves.

I could hear the techno music miles before I reached the Abercrombie & Fitch practice facility in eastern Oregon. I arrived to find a group of half-naked white guys participating in various activities around a lake. There was a lot of hugging and tackling. I spoke with their blonde captain and he informed me that Abercrombie excels at wrestling, football and rugby, and that they always play "skins." He also said they win most of their contact sports by way of forfeit.

My next stop, Hollister, Calif. was not quite the place I expected from the clothing line's image. It's actually an old agricultural town a ways off the coast. Hollister is in no way a surfer's paradise; in fact, there are probably more fruit stands than surfboards. Ironically, Hollister's team is better at skateboarding and soccer.

I was also pleasantly surprised to find that, like the town, Hollister's team has an even number of white and Hispanic kids. Since Abercrombie owns Hollister, the Hollister athletic team consists of many of the former's high school siblings. Consequently, when they grow up, the white teens will get to play and model for Abercrombie and the Hispanic teens will probably play for Sears in the departmental league. This creates tension that disrupts an otherwise talented squad.

On a much lighter note, I next met the Old Navy team in San Francisco. Their club consists of middle-class young teens and soccer moms. When I arrive, they are doing jumping jacks to the beat of the Village People. This team is all about fun games like hula-hoop and beach volleyball, so don't count on them to win physical sports-or to be taken seriously.

I then traveled to New York City, where Gap practices. The team was hanging out on a rooftop and was by far the most diverse group: black guys, pregnant women, celebrities … there were even some babies rolling around. They practice in sweaters and jeans and warmed up to an indie mix playing from a MacBook Air.

According to Seal, their captain, the Gap team is best at cycling and hacky sack. He also told me they actually found a way to profit from the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa by selling frisbees and only sending half of the earnings for relief. How ingenious is that?

The American Eagle team practices in Pittsburgh, though it's rarely sports they focus on. For most of the practice, the high-school kids lie around in the grass and make out. I saw some experimenting with cigarettes and a drunken girl was playing with a puppy. Although I never actually saw them play, they were lying on a baseball field. That makes sense I guess: American Eagle and America's pastime. Just don't count on this team playing extra innings.

I headed down to Florida to scout the last team in the league, Aéropostale. I find the co-ed team playing basketball at a local park. They all look like they're in middle school, but they're really good basketball players. An ice cream truck pulls up and they all run to it giggling. Soon after they all leave in one of the mom's mini-vans. To recap: Aéro is great at basketball, but easily distracted.

So there you have it. Hopefully this scouting report gives you a better understanding of the teams you are promoting. The next time someone tries to say you're just a walking advertisement for a controversial clothing store, you can flip your hair and tell them that at least you're on the winning side. And that's all that really matters.