Gathering Wool: I want my empty-V

"There is only one channel that owns the young adult demographic," according to Time Warner Cable's Media Sales web site. "What's happening and what's next in music and popular culture? Young adults turn to MTV to get the answers."

Well, damn. No wonder I'm still listening to Will Smith and wearing cut-off jeans, I haven't watched much of MTV since middle school, when the network really did define what we listened to and what we considered cool. I need to be educated. I need to understand again the pop culture of my own demographic. Therefore I have decided to dedicate a whole week to watching nothing but MTV.

I begin my journey halfway through an episode of "True Life" about teens that have panic attacks. A girl is crying. She goes dancing with a friend, they oversleep and she misses a photo shoot. She cries again and says "I am just so f------ pissed at myself!" At this early stage of the week, so am I.

Between shows, a Lupe Fiasco (the featured artist of the week) music video is aired on half the screen for 30 seconds. This seems to be the extent of the "M".

Another "True Life" comes on, this one focusing on people who want a perfect body. Kat wants to be a model/actress the natural way, but ironically loses a beauty competition to girls with enhancements. This is symbolic of most MTV programming: successful shows and music that require little natural talent.

This concept brings up "Life of Ryan." It's about a young Californian skater who slowly narrates his "famous" life, saying things like "I just want things to go back to normal." Everyone in the show looks bored when Ryan is around ,and I can't imagine anyone liking this show except the makers of Red Bull, whose logo finds a way into every scene.

Thankfully, "Rob and Big" comes on afterwards. It's a pretty funny show about another (older) skater and his large bodyguard. "Big" has a good sense of humor about his size, and in this I can't tell if MTV is using him to make fun of big people or to put them in a positive light. In a way we're laughing with him and at him, which I guess is good for everyone.

"Rob and Big" would be the best comedy on MTV if it weren't for "Human Giant," a sketch show that is, thankfully, out of place on the network. It's smart and has some pretty amusing one-liners a'la "they say the hardest part of rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay."

To close the night, MTV airs old episodes of "Jackass," the most brilliant show the channel has ever produced. The best thing about "Jackass" is the warning played before the show starts telling you not to be like the people in the show. MTV should run this warning before reality shows like "Life of Ryan." Rarely do you see kids actually attempting the stunts seen on "Jackass" but it seems in every class there's at least two Ryan Shecklers.

"Sucker Free MTV" comes on in the mornings. It showcases music videos, usually half of them. Ninety percent of the videos are the same, tired thing: displays of money, cars and girls. The other 10 percent is Missy Elliot adding 3-D effects to this concept in her latest video, which, if you watch without the glasses, you're going to want to puke.

Surprisingly, "TRL" is still on the air in the afternoons, except now the Top 10 video countdown is shown at the very beginning of the show in the span of about a minute.

Instead of showing videos, MTV is pushing the movie "Step Up 2 the Streets" this week and Flo Rida comes on to perform "Low." Its funny watching the teenyboppers in the crowd try to figure out what to do with this song; and Flo Rida actually elbows one of them in the face. Again stressing what's important to MTV and its audience, the attractive new VJ Lyndsey Rodrigues constantly fumbles through her lines and generally looks confused.

Another "True Life" highlights the lifestyle of "chub chasers" and then move on to "The Gauntlet III," a Real World/Road Rules Challenge show. The Real World was a pretty innovative and daring show, and in many ways started the "reality TV" phenomenon. That being said, "The Gauntlet III" is akin to "CSI: New York."

After watching episodes of "X Effect," "Next" and "Parental Control," I've come to realize MTV tries really hard to make you feel good about yourself by scripting awkward and embarrassing moments to "real people" so you think, "Well, at least I'm not like that." "Made" is very similar, except you think "I could do that."

I'll admit I watched another "TRL" only because it aired a 30 Seconds to Mars video, notably the only rock video I saw on MTV in a week. It was also the least racially diverse video.

This is a good example of how MTV has evolved. In the past 15 years, MTV has transformed from the clean-cut, poppy, boy-band channel of the 90s to the urban hip-hop channel of today. Hip-hop is everywhere on MTV and it's a big part of the next two shows I watched.

"Making The Band 4, (Season 2)" for the record, doesn't actually make bands. Diddy makes groups. One group is comprised of cute, talented ladies who have supposedly gone platinum with a record. The other group is basically a poor man's Boyz II Men whose lack of talent makes the show forgettable. Again, image over talent.

Then there is "Randy Jackson Presents: America's Next Best Dance Crew," which plays out a lot like (surprise!) "American Idol." Host Mario Lopez looks likes he's always being tickled, but other than that this is a very good show. The dancing is ridiculous, especially by the Daft Punk-inspired "Jabbawockeez." To be fair, this dance show is about as good as MTV gets. Everyone complains that MTV doesn't showcase music anymore, but they're not to blame. With the success of YouTube, iTunes and commercial-free radio our society is much more inclined to watch or hear their favorite music when they want. In order to compete, MTV must excel at original programming.

In "America's Next Best Dance Crew", MTV provides everything Time Warner Cable praises of the network. It addresses and builds on the popularity of the hip-hop culture, rewards talent rather than image and is by far the most diverse show on the network.

Unfortunately, the majority of the MTV audience is more interested in Ryan Sheckler, "The Hills" and the importance of image. MTV is now more of a reflection of popular culture than an influence. The reason MTV has recently lost once-devoted viewers and is really no longer "the answer" is the same reason Paris and Britney continue to be newsworthy: looking good is much easier than being good.