Carolinian

Issue date: 12/6/05 Section: Life

It would seem that the Claus case is just one in the ACLU's string of seemingly constant victories, but the group always takes special pleasure in knocking religion down a peg - popularly supported or not.

Now in the final stages of their plan to ruin all fun, the American Civil Liberties Union has issued several class action lawsuits targeting Santa Claus, whose actual name is Saint Nicholas Cwanzaa. The ACLU alleges that Claus has violated or abused several provisions of the PATRIOT Act, most notably the sections that only ACLU lawyers have actually read. Accusations of illegal surveillance bordering on voyeurism, watching children as they sleep, are only the beginning of Claus' troubles.

Claus is accused of some two hundred million cases of breaking and entering in the past year alone, as well as several million charges of cookie theft. Luckily for him, vandalism caused by reindeer hooves has been referred to civil courts.

ACLU spokesperson Irma Goldswinger released this comment, "Too long have the American people suffered under this bulbous red clad tyrant. He violates our rights by sneaking into our houses at night and giving us free magical presents. That's against our rights. Our rights! Rights! And Santa Claus discriminates against Jews!"

Earlier this year the ACLU filed a similar suit against Saint Nick, that one complaining of discriminatory hiring procedures. The suit claimed that Claus unfairly favored hiring elves, or "little people" as the ACLU insist on calling them, even though they actually are elves, over non-elves. After losing that court battle Santa Claus was forced to subcontract his children's toy-making out to Wal-Mart, who then paid Indonesian children to do it. Santa's elves were forced to seek other employment. Most of them, sadly, could only find jobs posing at malls as Santa's elves. The rest are pursuing careers in dentistry.

One criminal charge that Claus might face is animal cruelty. During a police raid on his North Pole hideout inspectors found what appeared to be an organized ring of underground seal fighting. The head elf in charge of seal fights, Midge T., explained that things were not what they appeared.

"They're not very aggressive animals, and they have no natural defenses, so we're still sort of working on the whole fighting thing. I did build a battle cage, but apparently seals live in the water. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not very good at my job."

Santa Claus isn't the only public figure is trouble with the law. Uncle Sam, who is also the god of fireworks, was arrested this July and charged aggravated assault, placing a lit cherry bomb up the Easter Bunny's rear end. The internal explosion left the Easter Bunny a lot less hoppy, and much more floppy that before. He was also rendered infertile, completely unable to lay eggs. If this Easter Bunny is not able to reproduce, it could mean the end of a holiday tradition that no one really understands.

It would seem that the Claus case is just one in the ACLU's string of seemingly constant victories, but the group always takes special pleasure in knocking religion down a peg, popularly supported or not. As said by Goldswinger, "We have taken religion out of school, we've taken Christ out of Christmas, and soon we plane to edit Jesus out of the Bible. Rights!"

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