2008 Woodie Awards
ON FAITH: Why I am agnostic
Nathan K. Smith, Guest Columnist
Issue date: 2/7/06 Section: Life
I've had a fair chance to choose. Raised an only child by one agnostic parent and one quietly Christian one, the decision about religion has always been mine. The familial precedent was never an option with regard to my eternal salvation. My early frame of reference to Christianity was the side of my family that would giggle with delight as my five-year old self concluded blessings at family gatherings with, "in Jesus' name, Amen." Family trips to church never occurred. Instead, on Sundays, my father and I would go hiking, mining for gemstones, or, best yet, shooting guns together. In my mind, these sorts of activities outweighed any religious curiosity. I did eventually get peer-pressured into Sunday school, though.
Sunday school sucked. It took me so long to find the passages that once I got there, we'd already moved on. I'd always been an excellent student, so I diagnosed myself as religiously retarded and decided to concentrate on more important stuff to a kid. Like boobs.
Girl chasing led me in my green state to the same set of misadventures that most of us endure. I needed a change. I tried YoungLife, a place for high school kids to hang out, etc. with a short speech regarding Jesus at the end of the day. This setting backfired for me. Religious guilt led me to see every girl I liked as a future wife, and I worried that my eternal soul depended upon my actions with girls. The pressure paralyzed me.
Then the bomb dropped. Dad lost his job and Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Boobs (at least in their former context) lost importance. I poured myself into Scripture and discussions with church members. I "learned" that I was going to hell. So I "dedicated" myself. I felt the same the next day, just a bit more important/self-righteous/accountable. People talked to me about my "identity being in Christ." I felt like something other than myself. According to them, this religious bag of guilt was "who I really was."
I realized that my heart wouldn't accept what my head wouldn't believe. Religion became one ambiguous ball. Many think their choice of belief is superior and form a mob mentality with those of similar persuasions. This stifles individual thinking and justifies insanity (see 9-11-01).
Sunday school sucked. It took me so long to find the passages that once I got there, we'd already moved on. I'd always been an excellent student, so I diagnosed myself as religiously retarded and decided to concentrate on more important stuff to a kid. Like boobs.
Girl chasing led me in my green state to the same set of misadventures that most of us endure. I needed a change. I tried YoungLife, a place for high school kids to hang out, etc. with a short speech regarding Jesus at the end of the day. This setting backfired for me. Religious guilt led me to see every girl I liked as a future wife, and I worried that my eternal soul depended upon my actions with girls. The pressure paralyzed me.
Then the bomb dropped. Dad lost his job and Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Boobs (at least in their former context) lost importance. I poured myself into Scripture and discussions with church members. I "learned" that I was going to hell. So I "dedicated" myself. I felt the same the next day, just a bit more important/self-righteous/accountable. People talked to me about my "identity being in Christ." I felt like something other than myself. According to them, this religious bag of guilt was "who I really was."
I realized that my heart wouldn't accept what my head wouldn't believe. Religion became one ambiguous ball. Many think their choice of belief is superior and form a mob mentality with those of similar persuasions. This stifles individual thinking and justifies insanity (see 9-11-01).
