Carolinian

Issue date: 2/14/06 Section: Life

Media Credit: Chris Lowrance College Democrats Glenn Nadelstadt and Sam Bickett both wish Nadelstadt had not just called MelissaWestmoreland's mother a whore. [Click to enlarge]

Media Credit: Chris Lowrance College Republican Daryn Iwicki reaches into a folder, praying he didn't accidentally bring his gay pornography instead of his dead baby pictures. Again. [Click to enlarge]

Media Credit: Chris Lowrance College Libertarian Rob Sinnott simply can't believe these people get so much more debate time than he does. [Click to enlarge]

Last Thursday the College Democrats and College Republicans squared off in a tiny rectangular room on the corner of campus to debate several points, attack each other from different angles, and defend their party lines. The topics of the debate included the death penalty, the right to die, stem cell research, and several other things most other countries have already decided.

Tensions between the two groups were high leading into the debate, a fact quite evident as soon as the dialogue started. The most vocal member of the Democrat team, Glenn Nandelstadt, made it clear that he intended to get personal with the Republicans, constantly turning to their table and referring to them as "you people." Nandelstadt brought an ironic level of fury to the Democrat table, "Nandelstadt" being the German word for "angry." Actually, most German words simply identify varying levels of rage.

Surprisingly for UNCG, the crowd attending this event seemed overwhelmingly liberal. Many of those in attendance seemed to attack the Republicans for President Bush's policies. The Democrats themselves fell into this category during the discussion on stem cell research.

When Republican Daryn Iwicki stated his approval of stem cell research, Nandelstadt continued with his prepared statement, "What you people do is selfish. It's religious based, it's selfish, and it's wrong."

Iwicki glanced to Nandelstadt, "But I said stem cell research is good."

Democrat Sam Bickett joined in, "If you get cancer, you won't be able to use stem cells."

Iwicki repeated himself, "We didn't say that."

Nandelstadt, his voice cracking with desperation, began to shout, "But your party platform! You' aren't supposed to think for yourself! I read all these brochures…"

Later in the debate, Republican Philip Blattenberger's exit went unnoticed when he placed a life-size cardboard cutout of President Bush in his seat. The Democrats continued to question and respond angrily to the President.

While addressing the topic of abortion, the College Republicans held up pictures of dead fetuses. The audience groaned, showing either disapproval of the flashy gesture or that they thought fetuses are gross looking. Once the shock value of the pictures wore off, the Republicans brought in posters of fetuses, put on a short puppet show using actual fetuses, and then threw several fetuses into the audience. They later assured the crowd that these techniques will not be used during the next debate, which will discuss homelessness and immigration.

The debate climaxed when Democrat Jonathon Rosamond presented his case against the death penalty, "It is morally wrong to execute someone not actively involved in crime. Unless a murderer is actually stabbing you right now, he's not a murderer. He should be rehabilitated."

This was the last straw for Iwicki, who charged at Rosamond shouting, "Rehabilitate this!" Iwicki grabbed two fetuses by the ankles and began swinging them like nunchucks. He attacked the Democrats' table, catching Rosamond with a strike to the head. As Iwicki began to pummel Rosamond with the fetuses, Nandelstadt grabbed a chair and swung blindly towards Iwicki. A chair leg hit Iwicki in a way that Republicans long ago made illegal, and he fell to the ground. Unfortunately for Iwicki, he fell onto the chair.

Bickett took advantage of this distraction and tried to tackle Republican Melissa Westmoreland. Westmoreland, an eighth degree Ninjutsu master, dodged his tackle, flipped Bickett onto his back, and with one quick motion tore his heart from his chest. When Westmoreland placed Bickett's still-beating heart in his hand, she told him, "Now YOU have the right to die."

Rob Sinnott of the College Libertarians gave a two minute rebuttal after each topic. He received a round of applause from the audience after each statement, not in approval of his politics, but commending him on speaking for two minutes without bickering.



Faux News is a weekly satirical look at news and events on and off campus.

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