2008 Woodie Awards
Political Parody: Leaked Bush memo: dissolving Congress a "pretty nifty idea"
Ben Holmes
Issue date: 9/25/07 Section: Life
Washington, D.C. - A leaked internal White House memo authored by President Bush has caused political tremors throughout the country by suggesting that dissolving the United States Congress would be a "pretty nifty idea."
The controversial text, which was neither confirmed nor denied by official White House press secretary Dana Perino at a recent press briefing, has been reprinted below.
From: Your President, George Walker Bush
To: The "Veep" Cheney
Cc. Condi, Treasury Sec. Paulson, Fed Chairman Bernanke, the "guys" at the Budget Office.
Subject- A More Conservative Approach to Government
All,
I would like to share my thoughts about the current state of affairs in the homeland, a sort of "fireside chat" if you will, except on paper.
I often read (yes, really) that our allies in Canada, England, and Russia (well, depending on Vlad's mood) can temporarily dissolve their Parliaments when they hold new elections. Dissolve for Pete's sake! I was thinking one night during a Rangers game, "Heck, I'd sure love to dissolve that [expletive] thorny democrat Congress, especially Mrs. 'Sassy Pants' Pelosi and 'Four Eyes' Reid." Of course, I'm talking on more of a … permanent basis.
Kinda like when school closes for a holiday but never opens again (and not just due to budget cuts or poor testing scores, either). That kind of permanent. Hehe.
Anywho, back on topic. I know this sounds a little radical, but hear me out. As a proud Republican, I feel that, in the course of my presidency, I have failed to adhere to one core conservative principle- smaller government that is efficient. Yes, I am admitting a mistake (I'll give you some time to recover). As a way to remedy this certain "quagmire," I am proposing that we dissolve the Congress. The following points are for a roundtable discussion; need to work the old Brain Trust, so to speak.
1. Costs to the American Taxpayer
American taxpayers currently pay a whopping $88,502,100 per year to subsidize members of Congress. In addition, our citizens dish out $22,103,976 yearly for Congressional pensions. Folks, that is over $110 million each year that our citizens pay for a bunch of liberals to squabble over disappearing owls and terrorists' rights. Not to mention, Congress happens to waste much more on "pork" spending, costing Americans billions of dollars each year.
2. Delaying Security and Prosperity
Do ya'll know about Geico, you know, the green lizard with the English accent? Well, they always talk about cutting out the "middlemen. " I took that to heart. Congress is that middleman, and we should really listen to what that Gecko chap has to say.
Here's your daily friendly reminder, folks: Al-Qaeda still abhors our freedoms. They hate that we can eat barbecue ribs and shop at Wal-Mart for "everyday low prices." With Osama and his forces still evading justice, we can't wait for a "do-nothing" Congress to "disagree on the particulars" while the enemies of democracy are threatening our very lives. We need swift action, and Congress just isn't doing it for America.
Smaller government is an efficient and conservative value, so who will actually care if Congress is gone? Although, thankfully, they are worse off in the polls than I am.
3. Three is an Odd Number
The current number of federal branches is three, according to my sources. As you know, I don't like "odd" situations, so naturally numbers fall into that category. No need to wake up Rasmussen, I bet most Americans would wholeheartedly agree. Having an odd number makes this administration appear "odd," and we can't afford that image. It takes "two" to tango, not three, and I interpret "tango" as governing America and executing vital national policies.
Friends, I know this plan may cause some fuss, but Americans are very concerned that their hard earned income isn't being spent well. Americans as a whole believe in "smaller" government and, ironically, even numbers. This is a pretty nifty idea, if you ask me.
Love,
"The Decider"
Political Parody is satire. Any resemblance to actual events is completely coincidental, and probably very unfortunate.
The controversial text, which was neither confirmed nor denied by official White House press secretary Dana Perino at a recent press briefing, has been reprinted below.
From: Your President, George Walker Bush
To: The "Veep" Cheney
Cc. Condi, Treasury Sec. Paulson, Fed Chairman Bernanke, the "guys" at the Budget Office.
Subject- A More Conservative Approach to Government
All,
I would like to share my thoughts about the current state of affairs in the homeland, a sort of "fireside chat" if you will, except on paper.
I often read (yes, really) that our allies in Canada, England, and Russia (well, depending on Vlad's mood) can temporarily dissolve their Parliaments when they hold new elections. Dissolve for Pete's sake! I was thinking one night during a Rangers game, "Heck, I'd sure love to dissolve that [expletive] thorny democrat Congress, especially Mrs. 'Sassy Pants' Pelosi and 'Four Eyes' Reid." Of course, I'm talking on more of a … permanent basis.
Kinda like when school closes for a holiday but never opens again (and not just due to budget cuts or poor testing scores, either). That kind of permanent. Hehe.
Anywho, back on topic. I know this sounds a little radical, but hear me out. As a proud Republican, I feel that, in the course of my presidency, I have failed to adhere to one core conservative principle- smaller government that is efficient. Yes, I am admitting a mistake (I'll give you some time to recover). As a way to remedy this certain "quagmire," I am proposing that we dissolve the Congress. The following points are for a roundtable discussion; need to work the old Brain Trust, so to speak.
1. Costs to the American Taxpayer
American taxpayers currently pay a whopping $88,502,100 per year to subsidize members of Congress. In addition, our citizens dish out $22,103,976 yearly for Congressional pensions. Folks, that is over $110 million each year that our citizens pay for a bunch of liberals to squabble over disappearing owls and terrorists' rights. Not to mention, Congress happens to waste much more on "pork" spending, costing Americans billions of dollars each year.
2. Delaying Security and Prosperity
Do ya'll know about Geico, you know, the green lizard with the English accent? Well, they always talk about cutting out the "middlemen. " I took that to heart. Congress is that middleman, and we should really listen to what that Gecko chap has to say.
Here's your daily friendly reminder, folks: Al-Qaeda still abhors our freedoms. They hate that we can eat barbecue ribs and shop at Wal-Mart for "everyday low prices." With Osama and his forces still evading justice, we can't wait for a "do-nothing" Congress to "disagree on the particulars" while the enemies of democracy are threatening our very lives. We need swift action, and Congress just isn't doing it for America.
Smaller government is an efficient and conservative value, so who will actually care if Congress is gone? Although, thankfully, they are worse off in the polls than I am.
3. Three is an Odd Number
The current number of federal branches is three, according to my sources. As you know, I don't like "odd" situations, so naturally numbers fall into that category. No need to wake up Rasmussen, I bet most Americans would wholeheartedly agree. Having an odd number makes this administration appear "odd," and we can't afford that image. It takes "two" to tango, not three, and I interpret "tango" as governing America and executing vital national policies.
Friends, I know this plan may cause some fuss, but Americans are very concerned that their hard earned income isn't being spent well. Americans as a whole believe in "smaller" government and, ironically, even numbers. This is a pretty nifty idea, if you ask me.
Love,
"The Decider"
Political Parody is satire. Any resemblance to actual events is completely coincidental, and probably very unfortunate.
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