Neurotica: How To Bag A Straight Guy

It’s a pretty common assumption that most straight guys are only a few beers away from their first gay experience. You hear stories about kids experimenting with their high school buddies; a six pack of their dads’ Bud Light, a porno tape stolen from their uncle, the basement rec room (it’s always in the rec room). It’s one of those scenarios every gay boy has heard and fantasized about, but few have experienced.

My friend “Marcus” is one of those few. He grew up in the mountains of North Carolina and spent a lot his weekends at keg parties. At these parties Marcus got pretty chummy with some straight boys, on more than one occasion.

“We would drink a lot, and then go hang out in their trucks,” he says. “Sometimes we’d smoke-up. And then one thing would lead to another…”

Marcus’s illicit trysts with breeder boys didn’t end with high school. He bagged another straight guy not too long ago.

“We’d been out at the club, and I was gonna crash at this guy’s place. We were both a little drunk,” he tells me. “For some reason we ended up in the same bed. I thought he was asleep and then all of a sudden he’s guiding my hand down to his crotch. I just kinda went along with it.”

Personally, I have never gotten any play from a heterosexual identified male. But the prospect has always fascinated me. Maybe it’s the idea of breaking such major taboo. It seems so naughty. Maybe it’s simply the fact that I’m a sucker for “straight acting” guys and would jump at the chance to experience the real thing.

Regardless of why it’s appealing, bagging a straight guy is a big fantasy of mine. Yet the experience has eluded me. There has to be more to it than simply getting a guy drunk. I’ve been around more than my share of drunk guys and still nothin’.

I asked Marcus how he gets straight guys.

“You have to be buddies with him,” he says. “You can’t act all faggy. He’s gotta think of you as one of the guys. If he thinks of you as gay he won’t do anything, ’cause that might make him gay.”

“But if he thinks of you as just another straight guy…”

“Then he’ll go for it. He won’t feel threatened.”

I kept Marcus’s advice in mind, but it didn’t really come in handy until last Thursday night. It was an impromptu pre-weekend party at a friend’s house. Everyone got drunker than they had intended and the sexual tension was suddenly at an all time high.

“Elaine,” a lesbian friend of mine, had bet someone $150 that she could make out with every straight girl at the party. By 2 am she had succeeded. People were making out left and right, pairing off and then re-pairing.

At one point I asked my friend, a straight guy we’ll call “Gary,” how much he thought he would give us if we kissed.

“Let’s find out,” he said, leaning in.

The kiss was nice; a little sloppy, but we were both drunk. There was no groping and when it was over we laughed at each other while everyone else cheered. Gary was terribly proud of himself.

I didn’t bag a straight guy in the literal sense, but it’s a start. And anyone who was at that party: You owe me $150!