Carolinian – Features
Issue: 2/17/03

Neurotica: Twisted turn ons
By John Russell

A funny thing happened to me in the restroom last Sunday night at Sky Bar. I was at the urinal (relax, this isn’t a story about golden showers) and I noticed that the guy to my right had finished peeing. Peripheral vision is a bitch.

Now, all the guys out there, and maybe even some of the girls, are familiar with the little shakey-shakey thing guys do just before they zip up. It’s a strange compulsion that I’m willing to bet every guy, regardless of race, creed, or sexual-orientation, feels.

This particular guy spiced it up a bit. Instead of the traditional shake, shake, zip, he stretched out his penis and then jiggled the head. Stretch, jiggle-jiggle. Stretch, jiggle-jiggle. He did it over and over, like he was milking himself.

As if witnessing this display wasn’t bizarre enough, I realized that it was kind of turning me on.

Looking back on it does nothing for me. But for some reason on that particular Sunday night in the bathroom at Sky Bar, a guy stretching and jiggling his willy really got me going. It seems so random, so strange. I can’t be the only person to have experienced moments like this.

I decided to ask around and find out if other people have had moments when weird, stupid things turned them on. I’m not talking about kinks and fetishes. That stuff is relatively common and doesn’t vary much from person to person. How different is one foot fetish from the next?

I’m talking about things that you wouldn’t normally consider sexy or even sexual. It might be an image, an archetype, a rock formation that, for reasons beyond comprehension, makes you sit up and say “oooooh.”

Micah, a 22-year-old BCN major, was the first to come clean. He finds girls in nothing but “old-school high-tops and white socks” really sexy. “It’s something about the socks,” he said. “The socks are important.”

Kyle, a freshman, says he gets an occasional kick out of girls with wet hair. He told me about the first time he identified this particular quirk.

“My best friend and I had been riding four-wheelers and had gotten real muddy,” he said. “So she took a shower and when she came out her beautiful blonde hair was dripping wet.”

Overcome with desire, Kyle told his friend how sexy she looked. “And the next thing I know I was having the best sex I’ve ever had.”

Don’t think that guys are the only ones with odd libido triggers. Twenty-year-old archeology major, Kelly gets turned on by the prosthetic elf ears in The Lord of the Rings. And my friend Margaret confessed to her own weird moment of lust.

“That scene in A Life Less Ordinary,” she said, “Where Ewan McGregor is digging his own grave and he’s crying. That’s really hot.”

So a guy digging his own grave is a turn on?

“No, but that scene was!”

That’s what separates weird turn-ons from fetishes. They’re not things you usually fantasize about. They take you by surprise. Like when you’re watching Cirque du Soleil and you notice how sexy and homoerotic the acrobats are. Or a cute guy wearing a pair of bunny ears. Sure he’s cute, but it’s the ears that get you going.

What’s sexy about bunny ears? Nothing particularly, and they probably wouldn’t be sexy all the time. But every now and then the stars align just right, your hormones do whatever it is they do, and those weird little turn-ons take control.