Top 10: Ways to Get Out of a Bad Date

10. Tell your date about the life-long vow of celibacy you recently took.

9. A classic: Have a friend call you with an “emergency” after you send a signal text.

8. Talk reallllly loudly during the movie. To strangers.

7. Talk about how prison changed your life.

6.Proudly show your date pictures of your five children.

5. Ask them if they’re into Dungeons and Dragons. (No offense if you are…) (Are you really?)

4. Always carry a lighter, this way you can start a fire in the bathroom trashcan and get the place evacuated, then pretend you’re so stressed you need to go home. Or just burn your date.

3. Casually mention that the mob is out to get you and already off-ed your ex (hence your singleness).

2. Call in a prescription for Valtrex in the middle of dinner.

1. Keep an unused crack pipe handy to ‘accidentally’ drop in plain sight.